I began blogging in an effort to ease myself out of my introverted tendencies. I don’t hibernate and I’m not a hermit but I do keep to myself. Pent up ideas, emotions, thoughts, energy and opinions that never get out can eat you up if you aren’t careful. I treasure the quiet times and the peaceful moments just as much as I do the happy gatherings and visiting friends but I was never truly myself. As time wore on and life continued it’s demands I found myself pushing back what I really wanted to say and do in favor of what I thought I should say and do. This is what I want to break.
I want to be authentically me. My thoughts, opinions and views. My hopes and dreams and goals. I know God has a plan for each of us and I want to reach my full potential. I wasn’t doing that. I was waiting for some little fairy to come and tap that wand on my shoulder. Sprinkle a little pixie dust maybe.
Isn’t it amazing how we are told that we can be anything we want to be but so few of us know what it is that we really want? Life has come full circle for me at this point. The ideals I held in my mind were really just mirages in the distance. They don’t ring true anymore. The true me was there underneath it all the whole time.
Truth is- I don’t want a career. I want to be a farmer. I want to dig the cold damp earth of spring and to pull weeds under the hot sun. I want to cultivate things of the earth so it can in turn feed my body and spirit. I want the open air and the seasons hot/cool/mild/freezing. I want to feel alive and grounded and to know that the animals around me are serving their purpose. I want to appreciate the bounty that is around me and thank the God above me for not only providing it but for allowing my body to be fully active in the work. This is the real me that I never knew.
I probably wouldn’t have discovered this fact if my kids had not become involved in 4H. The daily work with my son’s first goat set something stirring in me. I became almost more attached to that animal than he did. We both grieved on sale day. We will grieve every sale day.
I know that our farm is small and we are very inexperienced. We have a couple strikes against us there. There are even more in our favor. Strength and our family and the blessing of God upon our home. I am so thankful for the opportunity given to us!